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Sex, Money...
 
While many people might think that one of these two might be the top thing most couples argue about, neither of them are.  
 
What do you think the top thing couples argue about is? 
 
According to the results of a recent study I saw, the older a couple is the more they might argue about the tone of voice or attitude. 
 
Interesting, isn't it? 
 
Generally speaking, the closer we are to someone the more issues have the chance of developing not because of what is said, but how (or why) it's said. 
 
This isn't just for couples. I think it may be true for any people or groups of people that are growing closer together. Friends. Teammates. Co-workers. Your small group. 
 
How and why we say things matter. 
 
And it's interesting, isn't it, that we live in such a digital age when SO MUCH communication happens digitally by text, social media, or email - where we can't discern tone by simply reading words alone! 
 
I remember a family friend from years back who got into keeping their caps lock on ALL THE TIME AND EVERYTHING THEY WROTE SEEMED LIKE THEY WERE YELLING. ha! Perhaps she liked that she could read uppercase easier, but others wondered if she was just upset all the time. 
 
We live in a complex time and communication has never been more important.
 
Here are a few helpful thoughts that come to mind:  

  1. The more sensitive or important a matter is, try to address it face to face. This isn't always possible, but when possible, it's best. To be honest, there are times that I will go out of my way to ensure I can be with someone to talk through the matter at hand, just so I can be sure I'm understanding them as best as possible. Sometimes this is an uncomfortable or inconvenient effort, but it's worth it. 
  2. Resist the urge to assume we know other people's motives. Perhaps I should even say, try to catch yourself assuming other people's motives. We all do it. It seems to be wired into our humanity. When we don't know the reason someone would say or do something we naturally tend to process our own interpretation of why they might have. It is far easier than it should be to then assume that what we conclude they must have been motivated by is what they were actually motivated by. A lot of times assuming other people's motives only makes us more upset. Talking with them takes time, patience, and effort, but seems to do a whole lot more for building relationships up. Unless someone tells you why they said or did what they did, we actually don't know. 
  3. Be gracious with each other's humanity. All of us know what it's like to say the wrong thing or say the right thing but just in the wrong way. Sometimes we've resorted to a wrong tone or attitude ourselves because it's been a terrible week or we didn't sleep well last night, or there's been an underlying fear harassing us. If there's been a misunderstanding or if there's a strain in the connection, don't ignore or avoid it. Healthy relationships address the elephant in the room. But healthy relationships also do their best to offer grace, empathy, and understanding to the other when working through things. 

 
Let's face it, sometimes loving people is really hard. One of our 5 Prayer Priorities for 2022 is "Big Ears & Big Empathy. Translation: we want to grow in loving well. We need Christ's help to listen well and care more about understanding than being understood. We need Christ's help to be approach matters surrounding tone and attitude. We need Christ's help to resolve misunderstandings and build relationships. 
 
Love is work. It's worth it. 
 
Imagine where you or I would be without the love of Christ and his church family. 
 
HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY
  

 
Pastor Mike